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| First Day Together |
Last July my husband and I decided it was time to expand our family. I got pregnant right away. Our babe was scheduled to arrive near the end of his master's program, just in time to help us usher into a new season of life. One where I would work less than full time, join MOPS and speak baby babble.
At my first appointment I was 10 weeks. There was no heartbeat. There was no baby.
To say that I was devestated would be an understatement. I never understood the all encompassing pain that comes with losing a child. A child that was planned. Wanted. Loved.
We waited the obligatory 2-3 cycles to try again. I got through the holidays with family and put on a brave face when well wishers told me "everything happens for a reason," or "God has a plan" or "God is in control." All of those statements fell on deaf ears and rang hollow. Meaningless.
Once we tried for the second time I got pregnant right away. But this time was different. This time my innocence was gone. Every twinge or odd sympton had my mind racing. Google became my frenemy. I imagined the worst but hoped for the best.
At my first appointment I was 8 weeks. There was no heartbeat. There was no baby.
There are no answers for why this happened. It's only been a couple months and I'm not interested in finding out right now. It could be serious. It could be chromosomal abnormalities. This time less people knew so there were no well wishers.
I'd like to think that grief really does come in stages and that I've gone through them with ease, marking time until we can try again. But the fact is grief is messy. Grief is embarrassing. It doesn't have respect for the fact that I have a full time job. It doesn't care that I have company coming over. It shows up in public and makes a mess of things. It opened up my life to those that may or may not be careful with it. It's an ongoing process that comes in waves. Today I'm okay with the fact that I don't have a baby. Tomorrow I might not be. It's just that simply complicated.
So when my husband told me he wanted to get me a puppy I jumped at the offer. Charlotte has been the greatest distraction and the biggest reason I know I'm capable of love.
Best emotional decision ever.
