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| First Day Together |
Last July my husband and I decided it was time to expand our family. I got pregnant right away. Our babe was scheduled to arrive near the end of his master's program, just in time to help us usher into a new season of life. One where I would work less than full time, join MOPS and speak baby babble.
At my first appointment I was 10 weeks. There was no heartbeat. There was no baby.
To say that I was devestated would be an understatement. I never understood the all encompassing pain that comes with losing a child. A child that was planned. Wanted. Loved.
We waited the obligatory 2-3 cycles to try again. I got through the holidays with family and put on a brave face when well wishers told me "everything happens for a reason," or "God has a plan" or "God is in control." All of those statements fell on deaf ears and rang hollow. Meaningless.
Once we tried for the second time I got pregnant right away. But this time was different. This time my innocence was gone. Every twinge or odd sympton had my mind racing. Google became my frenemy. I imagined the worst but hoped for the best.
At my first appointment I was 8 weeks. There was no heartbeat. There was no baby.
There are no answers for why this happened. It's only been a couple months and I'm not interested in finding out right now. It could be serious. It could be chromosomal abnormalities. This time less people knew so there were no well wishers.
I'd like to think that grief really does come in stages and that I've gone through them with ease, marking time until we can try again. But the fact is grief is messy. Grief is embarrassing. It doesn't have respect for the fact that I have a full time job. It doesn't care that I have company coming over. It shows up in public and makes a mess of things. It opened up my life to those that may or may not be careful with it. It's an ongoing process that comes in waves. Today I'm okay with the fact that I don't have a baby. Tomorrow I might not be. It's just that simply complicated.
So when my husband told me he wanted to get me a puppy I jumped at the offer. Charlotte has been the greatest distraction and the biggest reason I know I'm capable of love.
Best emotional decision ever.
Thank you so much for sharing this very personal backstory! Thinking of how much joy my Black Lab mix Shadow has brought me over the years and I know that Charlotte will be the source of the same kind of unconditional love and comfort for you. Give Charlotte a kiss on the forehead and a double ear scratch for me. Big Hug to you and hubby. <3
ReplyDelete♥♥♥ I love you mucho Ms Julia. Very precious words about grief. It IS the messiest of emotions...and I hope you feel the freedom to walk through it however you need too.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as distractions go, Charlotte is pretty much the cutest way to go. ♥♥♥
Stunningly beautiful Julia, just like you. Anyone who knows you can appreciate your uncomplicated, fresh approach to life. Even within this hard, messy chapter – there’s beauty, simply because of who you are. Thank you for inviting us into your journey. Charlotte’s a lucky girl.
ReplyDeleteI love reading YOU. I've always believed that you had a book inside you that would rise up and one day greet me when I log onto amazon...and I'm teary to think that I may have just read the first chapter. Your prose reads like poetry and I am warmed by the fact that you relate to the messiness of my own grief.
ReplyDeleteOne sentence really resonates: "It opened up my life to those that may or may not be careful with it." I found myself wanting you to receive the tenderness you share with others so well. You ARE careful with others and I want you to experience that same carefulness.
Charley and Max. Two peas in a pod.
When you were born and your dad and I decided on your name, the first thing we both said was, "It sounds like an author's name". How little we knew, but now believe it was inspired....yes, there is a book there just waiting to be written. I totally understand the pain and wish it never had to be....Love You, keep writing, Mom
ReplyDeleteJulia,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is, wow! D'Arcy expressed everything that I thought as I read. The sentence, grief is messy resonated with my soul. You put words to what I have felt on numerous occasions, grief's lack of boundaries and simply complicated. Thank you!!!
Jules,
ReplyDeleteBeautifully expressed and written! I love you so and am loving hearing your heart through this process called "building a family.". Isn't that what we call it these days?! Who knows! We are with you in prayer and love you so! I agree with all the other comments about your authorship! Love, The Other Sister ;)
I support emotional decisions. And I love Charlotte.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your very personal journey, Julia. So well written, and I love what dmahler expressed....."I may have just read the first chapter". I hope she's right! :)
ReplyDeleteI was so looking forward to meeting Charlotte at the picnic last week, but then our plans changed last minute when we were invited to the USAFA graduation (one of our BFA students graduated). Hopefully another time soon!